DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME

by Ross Sharp

I’ve eaten at McDonalds.

I don’t make a habit of it, maybe once or twice a month, after the shopping on a Saturday morning or after a couple of beers when I couldn’t be bothered going anywhere else because there’s one right in the mall near where I live so it’s a lazy choice. Big deal.

I don’t have a problem with fast food or fast food chains. If you want to eat it till you bust, knock yourself out, it’s none of my business. If you think the food’s shit, don’t eat it, simple as that.

I’m always amused when I see people though, arses the size of Volkswagens, queuing up for their three burgers and fries and whatever and then ordering a half-bucket of Diet Coke. Self-awareness working wonders.

But yeah, I’ve eaten at McDonalds. I don’t have any complaints. It tastes like food. After a fashion. I guess.

Whatever.

I do so get the shits with these stupid fucking parents who are forever moaning about McDonalds advertising campaigns making their kids nag them for whatever toys or special deals are on offer. If your idiot kids are nagging you to take them to McDonalds and you bloody well don’t want to go, you just slap your kids across the face with a leather strap hard a few times and lock ‘em in a cupboard for a few years. With a recording of Charlton Heston reading the Old Testament on repeat.

That’ll sort the little fuckers out.

Teach ‘em some fuckin’ discipline, that will …

… That’s the problem with kids today, no fuckin’ discipline. Time was, the good old days, you sent ‘em off to the army, learned ‘em how to punch bullets through a man’s skull, learned ‘em how to fear getting’ a bullet punched through theirs.

Made men of boys, that did, goddamn right it did.

And when those men came home, the womenfolk were so damned grateful they had real live men of action to cook and clean for ‘stead of boys.

Y’see, back then, women those days knew their place and their place weren’t out in the world of men, it were home doin’ the work women do best, workin’ hard for their man, to please him, make him feel good about hisself.

Good meals, clean clothes, a well-kept house, that’s all a woman need do be a wife which is what every woman should be. A wife, goddammit. That and a mother, that’s all they need be.

Damn straight.

Goddamn world’s gone arse-about crazy these days but, you got … You got the goddamn faggots wantin’ to get hitched and shit like that just like real people, fuckin’ ay-rabs blowin’ shit up all the time, wimmin killin’ their young ‘uns in the belly, they’s all on the welfare y’know, they’s all on the goddamned welfare and takin’ drugs and shit, they ain’t done a decent day’s work their whole goddamned life, none of ‘em, and they’s a damn nigger in the White House now, a goddamned nigger wants to take my Medicare away, likes we be livin’ down there in Cuba, we all be communists now, yessir, I never thought I’d see the day some trussed-up fancy know-it-all nigger be President of these here United States and be tellin’ god-fearin’ white folks how to be goin’ about their bus’ness, no sir, don’t that just beat all?!! …?!! … Times, they ain’t a –changin’ for the best people, I KNOW IT AND YOU KNOW IT, and that’s A GODDAMNED FACT, A GODDAMNED FACT RIGHT THERE … mark my words boy …

[SMASHES HEAD WITH MALLET]

That’s better.

Sorry.

Now.

About McDonalds.

I was looking at this article on Alternet the other day and it had a link to a document, a McDonalds document on nutrition that lists all the ingredients of all their foods. The stuff you eat.

Here’s what’s in the “Special Sauce”

Soybean oil, pickle relish [diced pickles, high fructose corn syrup, sugar, vinegar, corn syrup, salt, calcium chloride, xanthan gum, potassium sorbate (preservative), spice extractives, polysorbate 80], distilled vinegar, water, egg yolks, high fructose corn syrup, onion powder, mustard seed, salt, spices, propylene glycol alginate, sodium benzoate (preservative), mustard bran, sugar, garlic powder, vegetable protein (hydrolyzed corn, soy and wheat), caramel color, extractives of paprika, soy lecithin, turmeric (color), calcium disodium EDTA (protect flavor).

And here’s what’s in the “Burger Bun”

Enriched flour (bleached wheat flour, malted barley flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid, enzymes), water, high fructose corn syrup,sugar, soybean oil and/or partially hydrogenated soybean oil, contains 2% or less of the following: salt, calcium sulfate, calcium carbonate, wheat gluten, ammonium sulfate, ammonium chloride, dough conditioners (sodium stearoyl lactylate, datem, ascorbic acid, azodicarbonamide, mono- and diglycerides, ethoxylated monoglycerides, monocalcium phosphate, enzymes, guar gum, calcium peroxide, soy flour), calcium propionate and sodium propionate (preservatives), soy lecithin, sesame seed.

There’s an awful lot of high fructose corn syrup about, isn’t there? I don’t think my supermarket stocks it. I’ve never seen it. Maybe I should order some in as it appears to be an essential ingredient of whole bunches of stuff I’m probably doing wrong.

And what’s the difference between a “spice extractive” and the actual spice? Why not just use the spice? What the fuck are you extracting from the spice that isn’t the spicy part of the fucking spice?!

WHAT ELSE IS THERE?!

“Extractives of paprika”.

That would be paprika then, yes?

Jesus Christ.

I definitely don’t like the sound of these …

Propylene glycol alginate. Ammonium sulfate. Ammonium chloride. Sodium stearoyl lactylate. Datem. Azodicarbonamide. Mono-and diglycerides. Ethoxylated monoglycerides.

That first one sounds like airplane fuel.

And I thought you cleaned floors with ammonium. What’s floor cleaner doing in a fucking burger bun? It’s supposed to be made from flour and water and some fucking seasoning, not a fucking urinal cake.

“Lactylate.”

Sounds like what crazy cat ladies do when they dress up their kittens in knitted bonnets and stuff and pretend they’re babies.

Isn’t “Datem” a character from Star Trek?

Flying through space in a spaceship made from “Azodicarbonamide”, no doubt.

I am intrigued by “Calcium disodium EDTA (protect flavor)”, though.

What’s it protecting flavour from?

Our tasting it?

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