DROPBABIES ON THE UP
by Ross Sharp
New research released today suggests that the rapid increase in the number of Dropbabies is approaching epidemic proportions and poses a serious threat to the health and welfare of pedestrians.
A spokesperson for The Institute of Falling Baby Studies said today there had been a 46% increase in reports of pedestrians being struck by a falling child in the last six months alone.
Last week, a record 19 babies fell from balconies, windows, swings, roundabouts and popular lookout destinations around the country, prompting speculation that the recent televised reunion of “Hey, Hey, It’s Saturday” may have sparked the sudden rash of falls.
It’s not a theory The Institute is quick to dismiss, either. “Subjecting children to that type of material at such a delicate and formative age could definitely provoke the type of extreme trauma that could cause a young child to hurl itself from a great height”, an Institute spokeperson said.
In Brisbane last night, Edgar Petzke, an 82 year old war veteran on his way home from the local club, was hit by a falling baby as he passed by a small block of units causing him to stumble onto the nearby road and into the path of a courtesy bus. “They’re worse than the bloody Japs,” Mr Petzke said from his hospital bed this morning, where he remains in a stable condition, but still under close observation.
But Federal Opposition backbencher Wilson Tuckey stirred controversy in Parliament earlier this week when he suggested the falling babies may be terrorist agents who’d infiltrated the borders and been dropped by storks.
Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull was quick to play down Mr. Tuckey’s remarks by saying, “Everyone’s got a ratty old dog under the porch who lies around all day licking it’s balls and farting when company comes over. And the Liberal Party’s a broad enough church to allow some room for a ratty old dog in its ranks, even if you do have to run outside and retch every time it blows one off.”
The Prime Minister rejected Mr. Turnbull’s defence of Tuckey as “inexcusable”, adding “When you’ve got a ratty old dog around that’s outlived its usefulness and does nothing but fart and lick its balls all day, the thing you do is put a bullet through its bloody head and bury it down by the creek.”
The P.M.’s remarks were applauded by a spokesperson for The Shooter’s Party as “eminently sensible and a step in the right direction to gun law reform in this country.”
When asked in Parliament what steps he was proposing to address the Dropbaby epidemic, The Prime Minister replied that he’d referred the matter for urgent review to Ross Garnaut.
Mr. Garnaut, who headed the Government’s Climate Change Review has suggested the reason for the Dropbaby epidemic may well be tied to rising carbon emissions which, evidence has shown, are partly responsible for the rapidly shrinking size of balconies throughout the world, a leading cause of plummeting children. “By 2050”, Mr Garnaut said, “there won’t be a balcony left anywhere. We’ll find ourselves in the midst of a full-blown Dropbaby pandemic and if we’re to avoid that, we need to take immediate action to stop balcony shrinkage now.”
When asked for his views on the current crisis, former Prime Minister John Howard said the outbreak of falling babies was “a clear illustration of how the current government had failed to capitalise on his government’s legacy and issue some fridge magnets to confront this vile threat to our safety head on”.
Family First Senator Steve Fielding added his thoughts to the debate, suggesting one solution may be to make trampolines mandatory outside and under the windows of any building higher than two storeys.
To demonstrate his idea, Senator Fielding called reporters to a Melbourne sporting goods store this morning and bounced up and down on a trampoline for an hour and a half in a Superman costume.