MEMO TO SELF ON OSCAR NIGHT …

by Ross Sharp

Dear Ross,

Whilst it may be considered terribly unfashionable and more than a little uncool these days to admit a boyish and somewhat deranged enthusiasm for watching the Academy Awards broadcast every year, and whilst you have not missed it once since about 1974, please remember that the purpose of watching an Oscar broadcast is to actually watch it.

Therefore, try to avoid a repeat performance of last year’s effort by not getting blind drunk on cheap wine by about 10.00pm and then tripping over and falling face first into the bloody coffee table and then nodding off to sleep on the couch a half hour later.

It’s uncouth.

And it hurts.

Thank you.

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