LOAVES AND FISHES, A PROFANE SAUCE REDUCTION

by Ross Sharp

I’m wandering back from the pub after a customary beer after work and need a few things from the supermarket.

A loaf of bread, some cheese, some milk.

That’s all I need.

A loaf of bread, some cheese, some milk.

And this ashtray.

But that’s all I need.

There’s an entire aisle, a lane, a supermarket information highway if you will, of nothing but bread.

But this is no ordinary bread, this is bread with a whole bunch of stuff that has fuck all to do with bread added to it, and bread with a whole bunch of things that make bread bread taken out.*

I want a loaf of fucking bread with fucking bread in it. That’s all.

If I want fish oil added to my fucking bread, I’ll make a tuna sandwich, thank you very much.

Milk?

Same. Here’s the thing – take the milk from the cows tit, get rid of any naturally occurring nasties, put it in a fucking bottle and leave it the fuck alone.

Do you know how to ruin a perfectly good cup of coffee? Put this shit in it.

Imagine milk teased from the stringy, sucked out teat of some random marsupial with a ravaging case of bowel cancer and a perforated bile duct, and that, I’d almost guarantee you, is what Shape tastes like.

And cheese?

Reduced fat cheese?

It’s cheese for Christ’s sake, if you take the fucking fat out of it, it’s not fucking cheese, it’s just a lump of yellow shit with all the cheese sucked the fuck out of it.

WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT?????!!!??!

Food needs to be the food it is, feel me?

Food needs be free, yo!

LEAVE IT. THE FUCK. ALONE.

Bitches.

 

 

*I’m fully aware of many people’s dietary restrictions and needs and understand very well the need to have food tailored to those needs. It’s only all the other crap that shits me.

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