WHAT WE NEED

by Ross Sharp

Whoever it was decided to put a MUTE button on the remote control of a television set is deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize.

The MUTE button has relieved me of the tedium of listening to anything that has been said by Tony Abbott since he began banging on about the Brisbane flood levy from a couple months ago.

The MUTE button did save me from the sad and sorry spectacle of listening to more than about 12 seconds of Senator Mary Jo Fisher’s interpretive dance speech from a week or so ago, after which I switched channels to spare me the visceral horror of the visuals.

The MUTE button is my friend.

The MUTE button may well be proof that there is indeed a God, and that He/She/It is most definitely a compassionate deity.

Praise be to the MUTE button.

But we need another thing.

We need a MUTE button for the internet.

You would set up your internet MUTE button by inputting the names of anyone you could not give a flying fuck about and of whom you are sick and tired of hearing every time you click to a news site (I’m thinking Judy Moran, any Ibrahim brother who gets shot, Charlie fucking Sheen or any other dipshit celebrity having a public meltdown, a whole raft of politicians, pundits, property developers, Harvey Norman, Andrew Bolt, Pauline Hanson, anything even remotely associated with the television series “Underbelly” and so forth). And then, when you click upon a news site to find some actual fucking NEWS about some actual fucking STUFF, your MUTE button would filter any story containing those names from the page.

You could also input by subject. For example, “GREAT BIG NEW TAX!”.

Your very own, highly personalised internet filter, if you will.

I think this is an excellent idea.

Someone go make it.

Please.

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