TONGUE OF THE DAY

by Ross Sharp

Steve Martin profiles all 72 heavenly virgins in The New Yorker. A few examples …

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .

Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?

Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”

Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.

Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.

Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?

Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.

Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.

He got me a good one at No. 38.

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