FUCK ASTRONAUTS

by Ross Sharp

I have the ability to raise one eyebrow independent of the other.

I say this apropos of nothing beyond seeing this ability referred to recently on Facebook as a “singular” or “unique talent” by someone who, quite obviously, seems very easily impressed.

I do not know what “talent” has to do with it, but I work in a fucking office, and most days I’m bored off my nut, so I’m up for grabbing any points for “unique”-ness at this point in life even if it serves as nothing but momentary determent from stabbing myself in the fucking forehead with an icepick for a little entertainment during the course of the day.

You may rightly assume at this point in proceedings that I am in somewhat of a mood.

Anyway.

I have the ability to raise one eyebrow independent of the other, and I came to this ability through carefully studied attention to the eyebrow stylings of one man, and one man only.

Roger Moore as Simon Templar in “The Saint”.

I recall as a young teen, or almost-teen, or not quite-teen, whatever, I would lay on the bed of my grandmother’s room, my grandmother who had mostly raised me while my parents worked, and to whose room I would retreat while they fought in the kitchen almost every night, she would sit in a chair close to a small black and white television, milky cataracts gradually clouding her eyes, and we would watch Roger Moore as Simon Templar in “The Saint” together, and I became fascinated by his ability to raise one eyebrow independent of the other and I came to think, “I too, shall do this.”

Fuck astronauts.

And thus it was I set out to achieve my goal, through sheer determination and studied rehearsal over a period of time, and thus it came to be my goal achieved.

Many have remarked upon this ability at various times, this “talent” of mine, and this pleases me.*

My grandmother liked Roger Moore. She also liked Jack Lord in “Hawaii Five-0”.

I always thought his hair was weird.

I may have been young and impressionable, but I wasn’t completely stupid.

 

* My life feels so small right now.

Advertisements