by Ross Sharp

“Are you tryin’ to be chirpy with me? You bein’ chirpy with me? Then who the else you bein’ chirpy to? I’m the only one here.”

“Hello, sir. How are you?”

“Fine, thanks.”

“What can we do for you?”

“There’s only one of you.”


“Never mind. I’ll have a sausage roll, please.”


“No … If I wanted sauce, I’d ask for it. Do you think I do not know what I want? Do I look a fucking child to you? I know what I want on my roll … NOTHIN’. Understand?”

“And how’s your day been so far?”

” … What possible interest could you have in “how my day has been”? Do you want me to tell you how my day has been? Really? Are we going to be friends, and exchange confidences in the space of what should be a simple, swift financial transaction, a couple minutes at best? How my day has been? … I work in a fucking office, all the days are the same. The IT guy’s a fucking moron, I’d like to grab him by the back of his neck and slam his fucking head into a wall, it’s not just me, the whole place thinks the same. Just put the sausage roll in the fucking bag, will you? … JUST. PUT. THE. SAUSAGE. ROLL. IN. THE. BAG!”

“That’ll be $3.60, please.”

“Thanks. Out of five, that’s …”

“A dollar fucking forty. My, aren’t we quick?”

“There you go.”


“Have a nice day.”

“You should stab yourself in the neck with a pencil.”