by Ross Sharp

Passenger elevators were first introduced to the modern office building in 1870, the Equitable Life Building in New York City to be precise.

Since that time, these marvels of engineering, mechanics and computer technology have become commonplace throughout most contemporary cities and towns across the world, in office buildings, apartments and bloody big boofy homes in Hollywood where famously lazy people live.

To use an elevator efficiently and effectively, the following etiquette should be observed:

1. To summon an elevator, you must press a button.

2. When the elevator arrives, and its doors part, promptly move into the carriage. Do not stand there, mouth agape, a little surprised at your Merlin-like ability to conjure machinery to do your bidding. Do not then zombie-shuffle toward the carriage, and then go “Oh!” when the doors begin to close on you, and then mutter, all surprised, “Gee, you gotta be quick, eh?”. Yes. You have to be quick. You’re not going on a leisure-filled holiday, you’re getting in a fucking lift. If there are other people waiting to get in, and you wish to be polite to allow a woman or an elderly person to enter before you, do so. However, if they hesitate or do a little bit of an indecisive “Oh, can I go first? Should I go first? Should he go first?” shuffle, fuck ‘em. Get inside and get inside quickly, they had their chance and they blew it, the stupid bastards.

3. Upon entering a lift, do not start conversations with other people in it if you only have one or two floors to go. It will not be a conversation of substance, and you will most likely just give people who’d like to be alone with their thoughts for a while the shits. We all know what the weather’s like, we’ve probably just come out if it. Don’t ask “How’s your day been?” of strangers, as they may tell you their family died in a fire last month, or their wife has a brain tumour, or their child was murdered by a madman and where are you going to take that topic in a twenty second voyage do you think? Mind your own business and shut the fuck up.

4. When the lift arrives at your destination, do not act all surprised again and say something like “Oh! Is this me?” and wonder if you should exit the carriage. The lift is doing its job. You told it where you wished it to go, and it has taken you there. What did you think it was going to do, take you to Disneyland? Get the fuck out and do it quickly.

There you have it.

How to use an elevator.

Follow these four simple rules of behaviour when using one and people like me won’t always make the assumption you’re a brain-dead drongo when we encounter you hanging around or in one of the things and looking all spaced out by the experience.