HYPERBOLLOCKS

by Ross Sharp

From the Sydney Morning Herald letters page of February 4 (my emphasis) …

“People worry about hunting in national parks while Uzi submachine guns are freely available on the streets of Sydney (”Gun crime becoming an evil disease – police”, February 4)?” – Paul Haege, Darling Point.

In the 54 years I have been on this earth and resident within the borders of this country, I have walked the streets of Sydney, the streets of Melbourne, of Brisbane, of Perth, of Adelaide, and of Hobart, and have never found a single, solitary gun.

There are no stallholders in Hobart’s Salamanca Markets, for example, who sell guns, let alone Uzi submachine guns.

There are stalls where you can buy a scallop pie, but scallop pies are not freely available from these stalls, you have to fork over some cash to the nice folk who run them, and they will hand you a pie in return, and possibly a napkin. Your pie will not come with a gun. Sauce maybe, but no gun.

Nobody has ever tried to sell me a gun, or even made the slightest inquiry of me as to whether I would like to buy one.

Not from a pie stall, or the back of a truck, or a pub, or even a kebab bar in southwest Sydney, though I must confess I’ve never been to a kebab bar in southwest Sydney, so I could be very, very wrong in that regard.

I do not want a gun.

As I am not a criminal, and do not move amidst the short and shifty denizens of the criminal world and never have; and because I do not know any property developers, or bikies, or tattooists, and have never met an *****, let alone an associate of an *****, a gun is not something I shall ever come across, unless I happen to be in the very wrong place at the very wrong time (a kebab bar in southwest Sydney, for example), and some cunt shoots me in the head because I got in the way of the cunt they really wanted to shoot (for selling them a gammy kebab perhaps), a gun shall not, and never will be a part of my world.

So.

What are we to make of Mr Haege’s tiny missive?

Mr. Haege appears to embody everything I have come to expect from the modern 21st century Australian citizen …

Reactionary, over-dramatic hysterics.

Paranoia. About anything. Everything.

It’s the worst of times, the end of times. Mole-hill to mountain hyperbole.

These, sir, are not the barrios of Mexico.

Calm the fuck down.

You’re giving me the shits.

Again.

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