by Ross Sharp

I have seen the future according to Prime Minister Tony Abbott and, as far as I’m concerned, it’s a load of wussy, namby-pamby, half-arsed faggy bollocks.

I for one, and I’m sure I speak for a multitude, if not the vast and overwhelming majority of honest, decent, hard-working, God-fearing Aussie blokes and sheilas are fed up to the fucking back teeth with these bludging toe-rags on welfare. Why the fuck should my taxes be used to subsidise the lifestyle choices of doddery old cunts and cripples and retards and latte-sipping lazy leftist shitheads from the inner-city who are more motivated by the thought of going out and getting another fucking tattoo or piercing than they are by getting a fucking job?

Fuck the lot of them, that’s what I reckon, and if Abbott wants to keep my vote from hereon, this is what he really ought to be proposing …

Any and all unemployed individuals currently on a disability pension will have their pension cancelled and be immediately redeployed to a re-employment and retraining internment centre where some suitable form of work be found for them. If no suitable form of work can be found for any particular person or persons, that person or persons will be shot.

Any individual on a disability pension where that pension is being paid due to a psychological condition such as a depressive illness or some such nonsense, will have that pension cancelled forthwith and ordered to get a fucking grip and get over yourself. Otherwise, you will be shot.

If you are severely incapacitated, either physically or intellectually to the point where intelligent thought processes or physical movement is not within the realms of possibility, the state shall give thanks to the Lord for your selfless donation of those functioning organs you are in possession of, after which you will be given a nifty certificate in acknowledgement of your great sacrifice for your country and promptly shot.

Anyone over the age of 65 and under the age of 85 who considers themselves to be “retired” and has been in receipt of the aged pension will have that pension summarily cancelled, whereupon they too will be sent to a re-employment and retraining internment centre and suitable work be assigned to them. If no suitable work can be found, they will be shot.

(Maybe we could get all the old folk to make the bullets, cause we’re gonna need a shitload.)

Any and all individuals who have been unemployed for a total of more than 5 successive days will be removed from their place of residence and taken to the nearest town or village square, placed in stocks and subject to a sordid variety of public humiliations upon their persons.

(BYO ripe tomatoes, or buy a bucket from a licensed government vendor on the spot for a buck. At that price, why not buy 2? Refuse to participate in these public humiliations of bludging arsewipes and we’ll have your fucking eyes out. After which, you will be shot.)

Annual leave will be reduced from 20 days per annum to 3, and sick leave from 8 days per annum to 2. Compassionate leave will be abolished altogether. Just throw the body in a dumpster and get back to work. Or you will be shot.

Homeless people will be shot. It may be all very well to acknowledge a housing affordability and accommodation crisis, but why make such a fuss about it? Shoot the fuckers.

Women between the ages of 16 and 30 years of age will be denied entry to the workforce until they have produced at least 2 healthy offspring. Unhealthy offspring will be shot. Any woman who has not produced the required number of children by the time they are 30 will be forced to have demeaning sexual acts performed upon their person by their local federal government representative until they fucking well wake up to themselves and start ovulating with some serious intent.

Otherwise, they will be shot.

Finally, the working week shall be extended from 5 days a week to 6 and a half days, with Sunday morning reserved for respectful (and compulsory) worship of our Lord & Saviour at your local Christian church (those other churches are rubbish, we’re blowing them up) after which, having dutifully declared yourself to be a sunbeam for Jesus, it’s back to work post-haste, my son. Or you will be shot.

Now, that’s more like it.

Look, we’ve got a great country here, it’s the best fucking country in the whole fucking world (all those other countries are fucking rubbish, we’re blowing them up), so it’s about time, if we’re really serious about moving forward and making a lot of progress, to start getting rid of these other bludging fuckers if they’re not prepared to knuckle down and do a decent day’s work like the rest of us.

That’s what I call a fair go for all, and that’s the principle this country was founded on. That and honest, decent, Christian principles and we’ve all got those in spades, haven’t we? (all those other principles are crap, we’re blowing them up).

So, listen, buddy-boy, if you want to keep my vote, knock off all this lame, gay, churchy-loser bullshit about compassion and understanding and fucking tolerance and shit and start spreading some bullets around and blowing shit up.

I’m sure you didn’t call your book Battlelines for nothing, mate.


*First written February 26, 2010. Only some tenses have been changed.