TEEN KILLED IN CAR CRASH. NO ONE GIVES A FUCK.
by Ross Sharp
On Saturday night, 15 year old Aadam Yorkman from the small community of Tyler’s Inlet on the Gold Coast was killed instantly when the stolen car he was driving collided head-on with a semi-trailer.
We asked some members of the community to share their memories of Aadam …
“Memories?”, said a fellow school student, “We hated him. First time I met him, he told me he’d raped his six year old cousin the week before. Good riddance.”
“Aadam Yorkman?”, reflected the high school principal, “The budding Charles Manson of Tyler’s Inlet. The worst thing that ever happened to this school. There are words I could use to describe how I felt about him, but I’d probably get the sack.”
“The scum of the earth”, said one 15 year old female student. “I threw a used tampon at him in Math one day. He thought it was a sign of affection and sent me a Valentine’s card that he spoofed in. Ewwww.”
“When we first heard”, said one of Yorkman’s teachers, “there was an audible gasp of … um … relief, I suppose. For a moment, I almost forgot I was a teacher and thought of taking the whole class up to the local for beer.”
“It’s a pretty quiet and orderly little town, Tyler’s Inlet”, said a local police officer, “but every time the phone rang at the station, you’d bet a year’s wages it had something to do with Yorkman. Damn, I feel really, really good today.”
Aadam’s mother, Alice Yorkman commented, “By the time he was ten, he’d already taken to beating me almost every day. No reason, either. He just liked making life hell for people. He broke the legs of my thirteen year old cat and poured petrol over her and set her on fire. Took after his father. He was an arsehole, too.”
“Um … I can’t think of anything nice to say about the boy’, said the local church pastor, “No. Nothing. Sorry about that.”
James and Ellie Weston, owners and publicans of the Tyler’s Inlet Hotel, said the community was planning to celebrate the death of Yorkman with a lamb-chop and sausage sizzle next weekend and free jugs of premium beer. “There’ll be soft drinks for the kids and a jumping castle, fairy floss, live music and meat raffles,” said Mr. Weston, “Everyone’s welcome to join in the fun.”
Des Paine, the driver of the semi-trailer that Yorkman collided with, was surprised by the local reaction. “You hear about these things, these teenage deaths, you hear about how the community is usually shattered by them, by the tragic loss of a young life”, said Mr. Paine, “but I wasn’t prepared for this. I was horrified when it happened, but … well, hell, it looks like I’ve done these people a favour! It’s a nice place, this town. I might even move here. They want to commission a statue of me for the town square. Who would’ve thought?”
Aadam Yorkman will be buried at an unspecified location on an unspecified date. No one bothered putting an obituary in the local paper and nobody is expected to attend.
“We’re not even putting the bastard’s corpse in a box”, said the local funeral director, “Why waste good wood? Big plastic bag will do fine.”
(A slightly different version of the above was published elsewhere some time ago).