CAN I BUY A FEELING?
by Ross Sharp
In light of the recent tragic events that have struck your fine town, its citizens, its sons, its daughters, may I offer you, as their proud representative, my most sincere condolences for this senseless loss of so many innocent lives.
It is at times like this when a townspeople can find themselves gripped with a sense of futility, of hopelessness over the sheer bewildering mindlessness of such an act of violence, a sense that nothing can be done, nor undone, and mere words incapable of describing the malaise of remorseless melancholy that can overwhelm the sturdiest of spirit.
It is also at times like this, when we should recall, that as we do leave one room, so we do enter another, and whilst our sorrows can never be fully left behind, we can take them with us into this new room, this new room of hope, of renewal, and an opportunity may beckon us help repair and soothe the troubled souls and hearts of our stricken brethren.
Allow me to make this modest proposal –
A “pop-up” style of retail establishment, both company-owned and franchised, named “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) ©, (franchises are now available in your area!) specialising in providing immediate, convenient access (sensitively and respectfully located) to a wide and quality variety of merchandise, products and gifts with which the public can find practical and expedient ways to express their sense of tragic loss and immeasurable grief.
From the simplest floral arrangement, or even a single rose, to the most ornate bouquets, from a basic teddy bear to the rarest Barbie, “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) ©, will be the one-stop shop for everybody’s public mourning needs, a place where even memorial Hashtags can be purchased in minutes (in single units or bundles), expertly crafted by our highly experienced team of editors, writers, and digital artisans, who guarantee viral results within hours or your money refunded*
We have candles from all over the globe, of all shapes, sizes and scents, ribbons made from the finest Turkish tapestries, handcrafted chocolates from Belgian chocolatiers, even Freddo frogs, all of this and much, much more from which one can choose to make their solemn offering/s of public remembrance and prayers (“Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) © specialise in custom prayers for all occasions/locations).
The unpredictability of events such as those which did recently befall your people, and the fast pace of modern life in these times are often inconveniently incompatible, and can make for uncomfortable interruptions in otherwise orderly days, and a “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) © store in your town, in your state, will guarantee your citizens shall never be at a loss again when tragedy strikes, when a teddy bear or a condolence card will always be at hand in an instant.
I am sure you will agree with me that a “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) © store in your state, even (if demand were high enough), every state of America would provide a confident, secure and tranquil reassurance to the men, women and children of this glorious and blessed country, that respectful offerings and oblations, of the highest standard and quality, are just a moment away, and that all “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) © staff will share their grief, feel their loss, and selflessly dedicate their time to help salve the souls of those whose memories are wounded and in need of assuaging, with expert advice and gift suggestions.
Additionally “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) ©, will donate a percentage** of all profits earned to any Foundation or Beneficent Trust that may have been established, or is intended to be established in memory of those sadly lost.
In closing, may I once more offer you my humblest and heartfelt sorrow at what has taken place, and at the loss of so many sweet, innocent lives.
Yet, though our tears may fall and sting, though our wretched grief subsume all other of our senses for what may seem eternal, truly it is where our memories have fixed our love for those now gone from this life that “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) © can help us to profoundly express.
Please contact me if you are interested.
CEO, “Can I Buy A Feeling?”™ (Pending) © Ltd.
“The UCC shooting is the 45th school shooting in the US this year, and marks the 142nd school shooting since the Sandy Hook school shooting in December 2012, according to the gun control group Everytown for Gun Safety.”