SMELLY TONGUES

Beyond the soft palate

Category: SPORT

BALLBOYS

The first “story” on ABC News 24 this morning was a five minute “report” on how some guy who hits balls over a net with a stick for a living has decided to give up his “work” and retire.

Five minutes.

This earth-shattering information follows hot on the heels of another leading story a couple weeks back on how a bunch of guys who kick balls around a paddock for a living were found guilty of taking illegal substances to boost their ability to kick balls around a paddock for a living.

Front page news. Pages of it. For days.

Is it too much to ask that “news” contain some actual “news” in it, and that stories about sport be confined to the sports report section or pages where they fucking well belong?

Sport is not news. It is sport.

The only time we should have reports about boys and their balls leading our news is when it involves information or research on testicular cancer.

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THE SURREAL MCCOY

Why is it, when a horse breaks its leg in a race, the horse is “put down”? That is, shot through the head. Or whatever.

Is it not possible to have the leg mended (it’s a broken leg), retire it from racing, and let it spend the rest of its days farting about in a paddock somewhere, or taking children for rides at fairs?*

“Broke a leg”.

“I’ll get the gun”.

They don’t shoot football players, do they?

“Thommo’s busted an ankle!”

“Shoot the cunt”.

No.

An animal is purchased, assigned human ambitions and aspirations, of venal desires and vacuous passions, and, upon failing to fulfil them because it has an accident in the pursuit of its “masters” vocation, is shot through the head.

Or whatever.

… It sounds a little like a Howard-era industrial relations policy

“Did you put a bet on?”, someone asks me in the lift.

“No, not into it”, I reply, and soon after, the “race that stops a nation” stops an office, and one horse wins, another comes second, and another third.

One breaks a leg.

They shoot horses, don’t they?

UPDATE

*Question answered on Facebook …

“It’s generally not possible to have the leg mended (noticed how skinny horse legs are and how bulky horses themselves are?) What happens is that a horse with a damaged leg puts extra weight on the leg on the other sideand will bugger that one up too. That’s bad, but what makes it worse is that horse hearts are a bit lazy – they rely on the horse’s leg movement for much of the blood pumping. This is why horses don’t lie down much, and why they can sleep standing up. It’s not just racehorses, which are, as you say, property, bought to win money, that get put down when they break a leg. It’s much-loved pet horses too.”

Fair enough. Though they wouldn’t be breaking their legs in the first damn place if they weren’t being run fucking ragged in the name of “sport”.