SMELLY TONGUES

Beyond the soft palate

Tag: books

ONAN ALIVE!

Andrew Bolt, the Herald-Sun’s resident expert on Andrew Bolt hath “written” a screed. Its title is “Worth Fighting For” and it will be produced by Wilkinson Publishing – “Great books from the people you can trust” – responsible for such “great books” as “Face Secrets”, “Fast, Fresh and Natural Smoothies and Juices”, three books about Justin Bieber, “Kochie’s Best Jokes – Volume 5”, six books about One Direction, and “Stain Busters”, to name but a few.

During the course of this month, Mr. Bolt has been tireless in his efforts to inform his “readers” of his forthcoming literary masterwork …

May 17, 2016

I have a new book coming out in July, just in time to console you over the election result. From the publisher’s blurb:

Andrew Bolt is Australia’s most prominent and controversial commentator. In this second book of columns and reflections, Bolt is again in the front lines of our most urgent political and social debates, from Islam and immigration to the green movement and the rise of the slacktivist. But he also reveals his more personal side – the experiences that have shaped his values and love for this country.

For some this book is ammunition. For others it’s fair warning. But for everyone it’s a test of their own values – and the reasons they hold them.

The book doesn’t just contain what I think are my best columns since my last collection, but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items and reflections written just for this edition.

May 18, 2016

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection (a reprint out soon), but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition – on what worked, what failed, my set-backs, my satisfactions and my hopes..

To pre-order your copy of Worth Fighting For with free delivery and a later special Bolt Bulletin update go here.

May 19, 2016

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection (a reprint out soon), but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition – on what worked, what failed, my set-backs, my satisfactions and my hopes..

To pre-order your copy of Worth Fighting For with free delivery and a later special Bolt Bulletin update go here.

May 20, 2016

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection (a reprint will also be out soon), but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition – on what worked, what failed, my set-backs, my satisfactions and my hopes.

To pre-order your copy of Worth Fighting For with free delivery and also – as a bonus – a Bolt Bulletin update of special material to be mailed out later go here.

May 21, 2016

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection, but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition.

To pre-order your copy of Worth Fighting For with free delivery and also – as a bonus – a Bolt Bulletin update of special material to be mailed out later go here.

May 24, 2016

Quadrant Online adds links to a column from my book, out next month. You may find them useful, but it is better I don’t comment. Sad, but our laws against free speech are dangerously and absurdly broad, as I know only too well.

To pre-order the book, plus a Bolt Bulletin update, go here.

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection, but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition.

May 24, 2016

More on the new morality in my latest book:

To pre-order the book, plus a Bolt Bulletin update, go here.

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection, but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition.

May 25, 2016

More on the new morality in my latest book:

To pre-order the book, plus a Bolt Bulletin update, go here.

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection, but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition.

May 27, 2016

My latest book will now be available from next month. It will be launched at events in Sydney and Melbourne in July (and possibly in other states, too).

Readers who pre-order will get Bolt Bulletin updates which will give them, among other things, priority booking for the launches. Details to follow.

But about the book:

To pre-order the book, plus a Bolt Bulletin update, go here.

The book contains not just my favorite columns since my last collection, but also diaries I wrote for Spectator Australia, blog items, an essay on my favourite books and many reflections written just for this edition.

I have nothing further to add but this …

Onanism – Hypochondriasis, hysteria, chorea, epilepsy, apoplexy, and palsy, constitute part of the list of dire maladies induced or immediately excited, by onanism and immoderate or ill-timed coition. The memory and intellectual faculties, in general, are enfeebled, and there are instances of complete idiocy, brought on by early and continued onanism, and of insanity from similar excesses later in life. — The Eclectic Journal of Medicine. Vol 3, No 4. Nov 1894.

Or, from Urban Dictionary

to wank,
to tame the one eyed monster,
to make the cyclops cry,
man’s favourite outlet,
a date with mrs palm and her five lovely daughters,
toss yourself off,
etc, etc.

For example – “now on the subject of onanism…we don’t want to find you hunched double on the sofa bed pumping your fist”

Please feel free to draw your own conclusions.

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TWO BOOKS. AND A CORY.

“On Offence” Richard King (2013)

“The Year My Politics Broke” Jonathan Green (2013)

Here is SA Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi getting his rabid little rattle on

“Given the increasing number of ‘non-traditional’ families there is a temptation to equate all family structures as being equal or relative,” he says.

“Why then the levels of criminality among boys and promiscuity among girls who are brought up in single-parent families, more often than not headed by a single mother?

“It is perfectly reasonable and rational, therefore, for the state, if it is to have a role in social policy and the affairs of marriage, to reinforce and entrench those aspects of traditional marriage that work, not undermine them and promote ‘alternatives’ which have led to social chaos.

“Competent social policy should be drafted by those who understand the primacy of natural law and who are able to see patterns in society.”

That would be Mr. Bernardi, one takes it.

There’s a curiously Aryan quality to Bernardi’s bouncy thought-bubbles of ideological fantasy and tidy social order – The “State” subjugating women to be child-bearing wives and mothers by its – or His – divine decree and executive order, whilst shunning “alternatives”, as he puts it, off to socio-economic and moral ghettoes of government-endorsed disapproval. The “faggots” and the “whores”, the “intellectual elite” no doubt (I have no fucking idea who these people are, the “intellectual elite”). The Muslims …

Sally Neighbour in The Monthly

“While he seems to be sincere in his convictions, the foundations of Bernardi’s ‘philosophy’ appear shallow. He claims to be widely read but admits his favourite fare is airport novels, especially the late Dick Francis’ formulaic thrillers. His recommended reading list includes a book called Confrontational Politics by a retired US senator, HL Richardson, published by the Gun Owners Foundation. The author’s credo is “pro-life, pro-gun, pro-God” and he was once voted ‘Chauvinist of the Year’ by the National Organization for Women. His book is a crude polemic that rails against homosexuals, tree-huggers, humanists, pagans and abortionists, whom he likens to Hitler. It calls evolution a “scientific justification” for rejecting God, and argues for “the necessity to limit the power of man and government” as the Holy Bible should be the basis for human law (a proposition starkly similar to that advanced by the Islamists Bernardi condemns). Bernardi liked the book so much he bought 100 copies to hand out.”

There you go. The man is a total dribbly fucking idiot, but like most idiots he thinks he’s The Smartest Guy in The Room, bless’d by Divinity, in possession of all the answers to life, love and liberty, and he’ll keep shouting and shouting at people and shouting and shouting and shouting until someone either hits him and tells him to fuck off or threatens to call the police.

After which, he’ll probably creep back later in the night to blow up your bloody house.

In extracts of Bernardi’s new book, reported on by the ABC, he argues some women use abortion as “an abhorrent form of birth control” and he finds it “horrendous and unacceptable” that the abortion “death industry despatches 80,000 to 100,000 unborn children [in Australia] every year”.

In a televised interview, Bernardi said he did not want to ban abortion, but “there is a right to life issue we should be exploring” and he believed life began at conception. He also brushed off queries about the accuracy of his abortion figures, saying the practice happened “a lot” and he did not know anyone who wanted to see more abortions.”

“A lot”.

Argument lost right fucking there.

From The Monthly again …

“He wants to be some sort of conservative warrior but he’s not up to it intellectually,” says a Liberal associate. “In reality he’s like the kid in the playground who pulls his pants down so everyone will look at him, but he has no idea how he’s embarrassing himself in the process. He’s basically kryptonite for any serious person in the party because he’s a complete embarrassment.”

There is little point in being “offended” by anything Bernardi has to say, or has said in the past, or calling for his immediate resignation, or calling him a disgrace, or some form of censure to be imposed upon him, because what he has to “say” could be slapped down in an instant by “facts”, by actual “research” if any so-called “journalist” bothered to bone up and actually do some, and this is the central idea behind Richard King’s book “On Offence”, that in frantically flapping about in a huffy snit, the actual debate, the real things people should be talking about gets lost in an hysterical muddle of exclamation points and capital letters and shrilly confected outrage, sans much punctuation.

It’s also a point made in Jonathan Green’s “The Year My Politics Broke”, where a commercial (and public) media, hungry for an everlasting bowl of quick and instant tasty headlines, stops to question and confront politicians and public figures when they talk complete shit and call them on it by asking them to back up their shit with some evidence and substantiated fact. Or go out and find some themselves.

Barack Obama, 2012 “You are entitled to your opinion, but not your own facts” .

Green looks back on the last few unhinged years of Australian politics and political reporting and believes both are broken, and I cannot help but agree with him. I have not met a single person in life, actual life, whether they be friends, or through work, but in life, who ever said a word to me (or me to them) about the travails of MP’s Peter Slipper or Craig Thomson or what former PM Julia Gillard may or may not have done twenty years ago, simply because no one in real life gave a fuck. Nor do they now.

Yet, that is what our media gave us over that particular and very peculiar period of time. That, and endless polls, and gossip about rumours, rumours about gossip, speculation about rumours of gossip, gotcha photographs, gotcha gaffes, and lots and lots and lots of opinion about things such as these from people I couldn’t give a fuck about either.

I’m expected to pay money to read this shit?

I’ll take my news with actual news in it, thank you very much, not the self-righteous, self-obsessed pseudo-puritanical ramblings and reflections of these packs of crusty old fuckwits from the olden-day Jurassic Parks of Print and their now all-too obvious penchant for writing crap about nothing that actually matters, and nothing about the things that do, because it’s easier for them.

“Journalism”, my arse.

Cory Bernardi’s mind doesn’t stretch too far from that of Anders Behring Breivik in many respects, but if one were to make that comparison and present it to him in public – even dare write it or speak it – Poor Cory would probably  go all squirrelly in the head with outrage, demand all manner of apologies, talk about his right to “freedom of speech” being oppressed by Commies and Queers, Lesbian Nazis from the Dark Side of the Moon even, and his supporters and pimps and promoters in the press would squeal with offended indignation on his behalf until everybody forgot what started it off in the first place. Just as Richard King illustrates time and time again in his book.

Rather than being “offended” by Bernardi, he needs to proven the idiot he is by being pummelled with facts, none of which he would be in the least likely to accept as fact, but, as Jonathan Green points out, our media seem far too timid to confront politicians and public figures talking batshit-crazy bullshit because they’re far too busy burrowing for political Christmas party gossip or speculation that, more often than not, turns out to be no more substantive than smoke rings, leaving nought but a bad smell in the air, and ash on the carpet.

Politics? Broken.

The Media? Pissweak. Trivialities. Tits.

Cory Bernardi?

“I believe Europe should strive for: A cultural conservative approach where monoculturalism, moral, the nuclear family, a free market, support for Israel and our Christian cousins of the east, law and order and Christendom itself must be central aspects (unlike now).” – Anders Behring Breivik, his “manifesto”, p. 650.

PS – Here are some “reviews” of Cory’s book, “The Conservative Revolution” from Amazon.

SURVIVOR

Gillard smallDamien Murphy in The Sydney Morning Herald, July 3, 2013

Rob Oakeshott, the independent MP who kept Labor in power for three years, believes the [Kevin] Rudd ascendancy has exposed a large number of Australians as policy-free zones. ”That there is a 16 per cent change for no other reason than a personality change should be a mirror on all Australians,” he said.

”In just four days, the polls showed a personality change can be a game changer, not policy. What does it say about the place of policy in Australia? There’s now apparently little place for policy. Something fundamental may have occurred in the way Australia does its politics.”

Graham Winter, SMH again …

… [H]e can sell the message that Kevin is here to fix all the problems. Of course, he can’t fix most of them but he can paper them over and the 24/7 media likes papering, particularly if it’s colourful, such as a warning of war with Indonesia.

Finally, and probably most worrying for the Liberals, is that he can provide a palatable alternative. For all his failings and failures, Rudd is only a divisive figure to those who are close to him. “He’s like an iceberg,” suggested a colleague who has worked closely with him, “All white, bright and clean in public but totally different under the surface when cameras and journalists aren’t around.”

James Wolcott in Vanity Fair, December 2009 …

“In the voyeurism of Reality TV, the viewer’s passivity is kept intact, pampered and massaged and force-fed Chicken McNuggets of carefully edited snippets that permit him or her to sit in easy judgment and feel superior at watching familiar strangers make fools of themselves. Reality TV looks in only one direction: down.”

Flick the switch to vaudeville, the monkeys are dancing, and the clowns play on.

The Drug of a Nation.

The Audience voted. They tweeted, text’d, phoned and they SMS’d, “We want our boy back in the house, or we ain’t playin’ no more!”

So Second-Chance Charlie is back, with a nod and a wink from the judges, the final elimination round, and a shot at redemption – last time he leapt for risotto, and we wound up with porridge, so he won’t be making that mistake again, he tells us; nowadays, he’s changed, more a team player type of guy, ready to take advice, ready to roll with the rules …

… Back in the house, all the other contestants think he’s just a self-involved, wanking creep, nothin’ but front; they hear him at 2 a.m. through the walls, speaking at himself, rehearsing his funky little aphorisms and homilies for the mums and the dads and the little ones at home; gotta zip, folks, and start cooking with gas

“I don’t like that woman. She talks funny and she walks like a duck. I hope she loses.” – Appalled of Tumbleweed Fats, Qld.

Clap hands, folks, here comes Charlie …

Kevin Rudd may have emerged (briefly, it seems) as the biggest potential stumbling block to Tony Abbott’s presumed easy waltz  to the Lodge, but I’m not much inclined to join in the parade and start cheering quite just yet, as there lingers a foul taste in my mouth, and a fetid stench in my nostrils about the political shenanigans of the last year or two and a general sense of discomfit all ‘round at the way this game was played out, mostly from under the barrel, megaphones a-blaring …

Mark Latham from the Financial Review

“[Kerry-Anne Walsh’s new book, The Stalking of Julia Gillard] lists scores of examples in which reporters assisted Rudd’s destabilisation campaign against Gillard. They published inaccurate information from off-the-record briefings, giving greater priority to the creation of headlines than the truthfulness of their work. Then, having attended Rudd’s press conferences, at which he declared his loyalty to Gillard, they turned a blind eye to the deceitfulness of his position; a case of journalists allowing lies to stand on the public record.”

Rob Oakeshott again …

“I have been shocked, frankly, over the last three years, to meet ugly Australia and just to see the width and depth of ugly Australia.”

Should’ve kicked that bitch to death. Should’ve had her throat slit. Should’ve been dragged out to sea and drowned. Nothin’ but meat for men to feed on …

… Rudd skulking about in the shadows, a brooding brat denied what he feels his rightful billing as the star of the show, so he sets about sabotaging all the props he can by way of revenge, just pulling up short of setting the curtains afire …

No, thanks.

I’ve never involved myself in politics or political activity beyond voting every few years, and the last couple times I only did that to avoid the fine, but all this bullshit, this base, fangs-bared, face-scratching, bitch-slapping catfight of epic banality that has so consumed and inflamed the oxygen around every so-called debate, discussion, proposal and personality; so poisoned the public discourse with imagery and allusions best left in torture p0rn, where Julia Gillard’s every step, action or announcement became cause for violently unhinged condemnation leaves me more than a little embarrassed identifying as an Australian, for it would seem the definition of “Australian” now is “hysterically squealing, violently ignorant fuck-nugget”.

No, thanks.

Kerry-Anne Walsh’s book about the stalking of Gillard is no sober, measured assessment of these times, more a shoot-from-the-hip as-it-happened diary of the events, shot through with anger, contempt and disbelief: anger at the political engineers of all the rumours and the bullshit (TeamRudd); contempt for the so-called journalists and commentators who thought they were players in the game and gave the bullshit credence; and disbelief that all this bullshit seemed to go down a treat for some reason in the land of the long white sock, where the pokies trill all of the day and all of the night, and Murdoch’s “The Daily Telegraph” is the pamphlet of choice …

… On page one, a headline will try scaring the living shit out of you, page three will make some shit up about someone that will run on page one tomorrow, and page five will run a few hundred words on all this made-up shit under the banner of “opinion” by some lumpen-arsed dickferret that will probably amount to little more than a laundry list of perceived character flaws and personality faults of whoever the shit’s been made up about, political reporting bought to by TMZ-style, your local newspaper may have lots or none …

No, thanks.

… Kevin Rudd does not come off well in Walsh’s book – a Milky Bar bitterball of tightly wound neuroses and petty resentments, empty of ideas, head puffed full of venom; he’s Walter Mitty if Walter Mitty were reimagined by David Lynch, a pencil-sharpening bureaucrat with pockets full of pens down there in the basement stabbing holes in cardboard boxes in the dark, waiting for his day to come where he’ll show ‘em all and then they’ll be sor-ry

Pretty much what I’d always thought of the guy, from day one.

Call it a hunch.

If Tony Abbott’s the five year old bully who likes to smash everyone’s Lego and throw sticks at girls, Rudd’s the seeming picture of innocence who secretly cheats at exams and sucks up to all the teachers, not a one of whom can stand a bar of the little cunt.

I didn’t vote for Kevin Rudd when he was elected PM over John Howard – I voted against John Howard.

I didn’t vote for Julia Gillard when she stood against Abbott in 2010 – I voted against Tony Abbott.

But this time …

I wouldn’t vote for Tony Abbott with a gun to my head, but thinking of all this shit over the last couple years, and the events of the past few weeks, I can’t bring myself to vote for Rudd just to oppose Abbott.

So that’ll be a tick for The Greens, then.

Lots of comments regarding ”popularism not policy” in Thursday’s letters. We had a prime minister who was all about policy, but the gender didn’t sit right with Australian men, and women criticised her clothing, hair, hobby and marital status. A record number of policies were passed during Julia Gillard’s tenure. I doubt whether those commenting would know 25 per cent of the policies passed under her leadership.

We now have an Opposition Leader who never fronts the media unless a senior member of caucus is looking over his shoulder waiting to step in when he falters and a Prime Minister who is tweaking policies that were introduced by Gillard. Australians deserve what they get at the next election.” – Lyne Dobson, Waterview Heights

TONGUE OF THE DAY

From Knob Creek Metal Arts in Kentucky …

They have 67 different types.

Now, I’m jes’ sure someone ’round these parts was askin’ me recently what I maht lahk for Christmas …

(via Colossal, where you can lose a few days if you’re not careful)

THE JOY OF BOOKS

What happens in bookstores overnight? …

From the hard-working folk at Type Books in Toronto, this is pure magic. Original music by Grayson Matthews

TWO THINGS

Over at Groupthink, Tongues tells the “economy” to go fuck itself (again), and also has a look at the “evil books that crazy people read”.

What more could you ask for?

Yes, you could ask for that, but you’ve got buckley’s, so bugger off.