“NEW MOON” – WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT

I haven’t the foggiest.

Manohla Dargis reviews it for The New York Times.

I took the liberty of plucking a few key words and phrases from Dargis’s review in an effort to understand the peculiar appeal of this series …

… big tease … a teenage girl … sparkly vampire … pretty … chaste … moody …

… love is cruel … Abstinence … bared male chests … feverish pleading …

… ravish young virgins … nuzzle their flesh … less-repressed … frenzy …

… men can be brutes … darkly brooding looks … blindingly white smile …

… some massive biceps … big muscles … exposing … palpable hunger … ravenous female appetite … grows harder and harder … Bella’s widening … appreciative gaze …

… hormonally revved-up … Chastity … hot … violated …

… weeping and dolorous gazes … cruel eyes … an underage dominatrix … the darker side of desire …

I understand now.

I’d rather deep-fry my own testicles and feed them to squirrels than watch this.

WINDOWS. THEY’RE AN OUTRAGE!

I previously attempted to warn the nation about the threat from this impending epidemic and was widely ridiculed and ignored.

But today, further indisputable proof that I am correct!

DROPBABIES!

They’re coming.

Ignore this threat at your peril. 

TONGUE OF THE DAY

Cory Doctorow from Boingboing …

RUPERT MURDOCH VOWS TO TAKE ALL OF NEWSCORP’S WEBSITES OUT OF GOOGLE, ABOLISH FAIR USE, TEAR HEADS OFF OF ADORABLE BABY ANIMALS.

For months (years?) Rupert Murdoch has been waving his jowls around and shouting that Google is stealing from him by not paying to index his material. And all along, we’ve been saying, “Pffft, right. If you don’t like it, just add a robots.txt file that tells Google not to index you. Until you do, stop whining and put it back in your pants.” …

… Rupert also thinks that fair use is illegal and that the right court case would result in it being “barred altogether.” Again, another hilarious interview question for the rest of his career: “Hey, Rupert, when are you going to abolish fair use? How’s that plan coming, pal?” …

… So good luck with that, Rupert. have a delightful, Howard-Hughesian dotage, acting out a crazed, Moby-Dick dumbshow against the Internet, hoping that the world’s politics and economies will reform themselves to suit your fevered imaginings. This is how history will remember you.

Silly old fart.

ANAPHYLAXIS ALERT!

From Politico …

“It is so bogus that society is sending a message right now and has been for probably the last 40 years that a woman isn’t strong enough or smart enough to be able to pursue an education, a career and her rights and still let her baby live.”

And …

Palin recalled a recent conversation with a friend about how the phrase “In God We Trust” had been moved to the edge of the new coins. “Who calls a shot like that?” she demanded. “Who makes a decision like that?” She added: “It’s a disturbing trend.”

CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS

WIREAHOLICS ANONYMOUS

I’ve just spent the better part of the last two months watching a 66 hour long movie. And when it was finished, I went back and watched it all over again. Then I watched the episodes with commentaries.

This movie came in five volumes and each volume comprised ten to thirteen chapters. Like the best of books, you come to the end of one chapter and think, “Just one more”.

Hello. My name is Ross and I’m a Wireaholic.

I hate “The Wire”.

I hate it because it’s made it damn near impossible to watch any cop show or cop movie (even though it is not a “cop show” in any traditional sense), any television series of any kind and not think, “Yeah, it’s okay, but it’s not “The Wire”” or “They wouldn’t do it like that on “The Wire””, or “No, that’s not credible, I know so from “The Wire”, or “This is a limp-dick puddle of piss in a desert, “The Wire” had depth, for Chrissakes” …

I can’t think of anything I could possibly add to the plethora of material that has already been written about this extraordinary series.

During the height of my immersion, I spent many a lunch hour cruising through the streets of East and West Baltimore courtesy of Google Maps streetview.

Felicia “Snoop” Pearson, who plays “Snoop” Pearson in series 3 through 5, used to sling drugs from this corner, North Montford and Oliver …

Pearson has written a book about her life and experiences. I’ve yet to read it, but I fully intend to. I haven’t read any books by George Pelecanos, Richard Price and Dennis Lehane either, three of the series’ regular scriptwriters, but they’re on my “must-do” list as well.

If you were to ask me a year ago what the capitol of Maryland was, I don’t think I would’ve been able to tell you. If you were to ask me where Maryland was, I would’ve thought for a moment and said, “One of those small states clustered around New York? East coast?”

But if I ever manage to get to the States (something I’ve always wanted to do, but I’m crap with money, always have been, my fault entirely) I’d like to visit Baltimore. Not to roam around those means streets of the East and West which would be patently stupid, but to see the good of the place.

Perhaps to eat a “lump crab cake” at Faidley’s (mentioned a number of times in the series), even though it looks like a deep-fried stomach cancer.

Here are a few “Wire” and Baltimore related resources I’ve enjoyed recently …

There’s a wealth of material available on The Guardian and Steve Busfield has an excellent episode-by-episode blog there covering all five seasons which is well worth digging into. It starts here and has links galore (also spoilers, so take care if you’ve not worked your way through every episode yet).

Irvine Welsh and a few other crime novelists look at the series. Also from The Guardian, Jon Wilde pronounces it the “greatest ever television drama”.

From “The Atlantic”, Mark Bowden profiles David Simon, “The Angriest Man in Television”.

I’m not surprised he’s the angriest man in television, considering that, over five seasons, not one single actor from the programme was so much as nominated for an Emmy or a Golden Globe. What on earth did this man do to piss people off?

Sociologist turned Baltimore police Peter Moskos has a blog, “Cop in the Hood”. Moskos is an advocate for drug legalisation and regulation and a member of LEAP (Law Enforcement Against Prohibition).

The Baltimore Sun and UK’s The Independent have swapped crime reporters to look at the different ways crime is reported and dealt with in both countries.

The Sydney Morning Herald reports on the possibility of change on Baltimore streets due to the ReWIRED for Change programme.

The New York Times highlights a few of the nicer aspects of Baltimore life and entertainment.

And a big “fuck you” to Warner Home Video Australia who, for some inexplicable reason, have yet to see fit to release season 5 locally even though it’s available everywhere else on the fucking planet. And thanks to the friend in Sydney who “lent” me her, er, “copy” of it, which I have subsequently “lent” to two other friends I’ve hooked into the series. If you’re losing money fellas, it’s because people are buying it from Amazon or ripping the bloody thing from the web, so wake the fuck up.

IN TONGUES, BRIEFLY

1.

Tongues has two new posts at Groupthink …

“Take Care. Bye”

“Teen Killed in Car Crash. No One Gives A Fuck”

2.

I’ve been working in offices now for 33 years and I’m fucking sick of it. Sitting on my arse day after day, shuffling bits of paper, talking to idiots on phones about idiot things that are of no importance whatsoever, the “protocol” of this, the “procedure” of that, blah blah blah.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Last night I watched “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” for the umpteenth time in my life. Hadn’t seen it for many years. I saw that film about 5 times in as many days when I was 16. A formative influence in my youth.

It encapsulated then, and it does now, my attitude to so-called “authority”, so-called “rules and regulations” that exist for no reason other than to justify the existence of small-minded shitheads who have nothing else to do with their tiny lives than invent “rules and regulations” that are pertinent only to matters of bullshit.

I think my brain chemistry went seriously batshit weird the day I turned 50 earlier this year. Drinking two bottles of wine last night probably didn’t help much, either.

I’ve had a thoroughly shit year, and the thought that’s been rattling around my head every single day of it so far is, “It’s a rigged game. A long con. You lost. Stop playing”.

This is not my life.

How did I get here?

WALKEN GOES GAGA

Christopher Walken covers Lady Gaga …

I think I just pissed myself.

BOOTS AND ALL

What is it with the left and boots?

Could it be ….

You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin’
and you keep losin’ when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin’ when you oughta be changin’.
Now what’s right is right, but you ain’t been right yet.

“These Boots Are Made For Walking” Nancy Sinatra (1966)

BRIEFLY, IN TONGUES

1. A couple of recent posts from Smelly Tongues at Groupthink, “Deadshit Dialogues” and “The Rate That Stops A Nation” (under different titles ‘cause I didn’t think of these titles ‘til just now).

2. Under no circumstances should anyone see this film. None. Ugh.

3. Due to an overwhelming absence of demand from anyone, “Tongues on Film” shall return shortly and as soon as I can recover from my addiction to “The Wire” and concentrate on watching some Hollywood crap again. Or maybe I’ll just watch the series a third time. Decisions, decisions.

IS WORD. IS GOOD.

acnestis

PRONUNCIATION:

(AK-nist-uhs)

MEANING:

noun: The part of the body where one cannot reach to scratch.

ETYMOLOGY:

From Greek aknestis (spine), from Ancient Greek knestis (spine, cheese-grater).

USAGE:

“In what has to be the longest post-election season in living memory, the last five months have felt like an acnestis upon our collective soul; like that little patch of skin on our backs that we just can’t reach to scratch ourselves. It’s irritating. It’s annoying. It’s left us reaching and spinning around in circles.”

A Wish List to Soothe Our Collective Itch; New Straits Times (Malaysia); Aug 5, 2008.

From A Word A Day

TONGUE OF THE DAY

First up, from an interview with Gore Vidal at The Atlantic …

Q: Have you met President Clinton?

Vidal: Yes – and I like Bill. My family is Southern. I’m used to Bill Clintons. The country apparently wasn’t, though. At the time of his impeachment trial, I wrote a defense of him. When he claimed, “I didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky,” he was totally accurate.

Q: You believe him?

Vidal: He was talking Southern. In the South, sex is when you put it in and pump away and there’s a danger of a baby. That’s “sexual relations.” Anything else is what we called in school “messing around.” And all Southern boys messed around.

And the Governator sends a message to the State Assembly …

AXIS OF BISCUIT

My letter in today’s Sydney Morning Herald in response to this bullshit …

Sam Watson (October 27, 2009) is correct. The very moment I saw this pack of biscuits called “Creole Creams”, I immediately thought of Josef Mengele, images of Auschwitz flooded my mind, and I shivered with outrage and righteous anger over what was obviously a deliberately conscious effort to divide a nation’s biscuit eaters on racial lines. The sooner Mr Watson can put his sterling efforts into addressing the major crimes that remain Coon Cheese and “dark” (nudge, nudge) chocolate, the safer this world will be for all of us.

And, over at Groupthink, “This Biscuit Will Gas Your Baby” …

MY DRUG HELL

Smelly Tongues blogs at Groupthink …

Hi everybody!

My name is Ross! And this here’s the tale of My Drug Hell!

Now, there’s been times in my life when I’ve taken an illegal drug and even though I’m feelin’ rootin’-tootin’ right now, I’m pretty dang sure my past criminal behaviour and degenerate indulgences will come back anyday now and bite me somethin’ fierce on my ass. Why, this time tomorrow my whole body could erupt in a sea of festering ulcers and suppurating sores and boils spitting out stringy spumes of custard coloured pus fifty inches high and I’d have to spend the rest of my life sleeping on rubber sheets and use up all my retirement money on paper towels just cause I took some drugs back in the day …

Continue reading “My Drug Hell” at Groupthink …

GROUPTHINK

A new blog has been launched.

Huzzah.

Titled “Groupthink”, this blog has been begotten from the puddly skull cups of Scott Bridges and Ant Rogenous, formerly of GrodsCorp, a now-defunct degenerative exercise in bow-legged perversions if ever there was one.

This new blog will comprise contributions from a small and very selective number of deeply disturbed individuals about all manner of random shit. It is expected callous acts committed upon the bodies of farm animals by the dental and personal hygiene challenged shall be a feature, if the not the main attraction in coming months. Whatever floats your boat.

For reasons known only to Bridges and Rogenous, I have been asked to participate in all this random shit, and participate I will, though I’ve declined the farm animal frottage for the time being until this itch of mine clears up.

Pass the skin balm and praises be.

Huzzah.

A new blog has been launched.

The world was crying out.

DROPBABIES ON THE UP

New research released today suggests that the rapid increase in the number of Dropbabies is approaching epidemic proportions and poses a serious threat to the health and welfare of pedestrians. 

A spokesperson for The Institute of Falling Baby Studies said today there had been a 46% increase in reports of pedestrians being struck by a falling child in the last six months alone.

Last week, a record 19 babies fell from balconies, windows, swings, roundabouts and popular lookout destinations around the country, prompting speculation that the recent televised reunion of “Hey, Hey, It’s Saturday” may have sparked the sudden rash of falls.

It’s not a theory The Institute is quick to dismiss, either. “Subjecting children to that type of material at such a delicate and formative age could definitely provoke the type of extreme trauma that could cause a young child to hurl itself from a great height”, an Institute spokeperson said.

In Brisbane last night, Edgar Petzke, an 82 year old war veteran on his way home from the local club, was hit by a falling baby as he passed by a small block of units causing him to stumble onto the nearby road and into the path of a courtesy bus. “They’re worse than the bloody Japs,” Mr Petzke said from his hospital bed this morning, where he remains in a stable condition, but still under close observation.

But Federal Opposition backbencher Wilson Tuckey stirred controversy in Parliament earlier this week when he suggested the falling babies may be terrorist agents who’d infiltrated the borders and been dropped by storks.

Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull was quick to play down Mr. Tuckey’s remarks by saying, “Everyone’s got a ratty old dog under the porch who lies around all day licking it’s balls and farting when company comes over. And the Liberal Party’s a broad enough church to allow some room for a ratty old dog in its ranks, even if you do have to run outside and retch every time it blows one off.”

The Prime Minister rejected Mr. Turnbull’s defence of Tuckey as “inexcusable”, adding “When you’ve got a ratty old dog around that’s outlived its usefulness and does nothing but fart and lick its balls all day, the thing you do is put a bullet through its bloody head and bury it down by the creek.”

The P.M.’s remarks were applauded by a spokesperson for The Shooter’s Party as “eminently sensible and a step in the right direction to gun law reform in this country.”

When asked in Parliament what steps he was proposing to address the Dropbaby epidemic, The Prime Minister replied that he’d referred the matter for urgent review to Ross Garnaut.

Mr. Garnaut, who headed the Government’s Climate Change Review has suggested the reason for the Dropbaby epidemic may well be tied to rising carbon emissions which, evidence has shown, are partly responsible for the rapidly shrinking size of balconies throughout the world, a leading cause of plummeting children. “By 2050”, Mr Garnaut said, “there won’t be a balcony left anywhere. We’ll find ourselves in the midst of a full-blown Dropbaby pandemic and if we’re to avoid that, we need to take immediate action to stop balcony shrinkage now.” 

When asked for his views on the current crisis, former Prime Minister John Howard said the outbreak of falling babies was “a clear illustration of how the current government had failed to capitalise on his government’s legacy and issue some fridge magnets to confront this vile threat to our safety head on”.

Family First Senator Steve Fielding added his thoughts to the debate, suggesting one solution may be to make trampolines mandatory outside and under the windows of any building higher than two storeys.

To demonstrate his idea, Senator Fielding called reporters to a Melbourne sporting goods store this morning and bounced up and down on a trampoline for an hour and a half in a Superman costume.

WHAT A LOAD OF BALLOONY

So I turn the television on this morning, and the breaking news, the big news, the news that trumped all the other news, the news that had everyone breathless with anxiety and anticipation, LIVE CROSSES!, ACTUAL FOOTAGE AS IT HAPPENS!, LIVE IN REAL TIME!!!, LIVE NUDE GIRLS LIVE $2.00 BOOTHS!!, was this …

Some kid’s in a balloon and the balloon got away.

Look! Here’s some film of a balloon! Doing what balloons do! Watch this balloon! Did you see the balloon? Look!! A balloon!!!!!!!!! …

THERESAFUCKINGBALLOONUPINTHESKYANDITSABIGFUCKINGBALLOON ANDITSDOINGBALLOONSTUFFANDTHEREMIGHTBEAKIDINIT!!!!!!!

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODLOOKABALLOON!!!!!!!!!!1!1!

Whoosh!

Balloon.

Fuck me rigid.

I think to myself, “Why is this news?” I think to myself, “Why is this news here?”. I can see how it might be some sort of news in Colorado, but why is it news here?

So I walk over to the television and turn it off, muttering aloud, “This ain’t no fucking sort of fucking news.”

Turned out it weren’t.

Turned out t’were a load of balloony bollocks, is all.

BELIEF BEGGARED, GOB SMACKED

I can’t even begin …

Lost for words. Utterly lost.

From The Guardian …

A new law scheduled to take effect in Oklahoma would establish an online, publicly accessible database of information about every woman in the state who sought or had an abortion. While it would not require doctors to report the names and addresses of patients seeking or obtaining a legal medical procedure many conservative lawmakers think should be outlawed, the 37-question survey would (among other things) establish the women’s race, age, education level and county of residence.

Women would be required to disclose if they are state employees and what method of insurance, if any, they are using for the procedure. It would require women to specify the number of pregnancies, children, miscarriages and previous abortions they’ve had. And it even asks for the length of the pregnancy and whether the women were using birth control when they conceived …

… Legislators who passed the law are open about their motivations. They want to use the questionnaire and the online database to stop women from having abortions. Seemingly, they don’t care whether they do so by intimidating women, allowing others to harass them or by making it difficult to obtain medical care. But the absence of any political will to do so through comprehensive sex education, economic support or a dedication of law-enforcement resources to protecting women from rape and sexual abuse seems rather telling about the anti-abortion movement’s priorities.

 From Salon …

Feminists for Choice alerts us to a new Oklahoma law (yes, law, not “proposed legislation” or “some kind of sick joke”) set to go into effect Nov. 1 that would collect detailed data about each abortion performed — and post it all on a public Web site called ShameOnYouWhore.com. 

Oklahoma Taliban.

SATAN COMES TO CANBERRA

One night, and somewhere in the nation’s capitol …

In the name of Satan, God of All Tongues, Father of All Sorrows, Mother of All Tears, O Mighty and Terrible Lord of Darkness, we entreat You that You receive and accept this sacrifice, which we offer to You on behalf of this assembled company, upon whom You have set Your Mark …

- ‘ANG ON A FUCKIN’ MINUTE, WILL YA? … JEEEEEEEEESUS CHRIST ON A CROSS UPSIDE DOWN, OOOOOOHHHHHHH … AT LAST! …. WOOO-HOO!…

In the unity of unholy fellowship we praise and honor first Thee, Lucifer, Morning Star, and Beelzebub, Lord of Regeneration; then Belial, Prince of the Earth and Angel of Destruction; Leviathan, Beast of Revelation; Abaddon, Angel of the Bottomless Pit; and Asmodeus, Demon of Lust. We call upon the mighty names of Astaroth, Nergal and Behemoth, of Belphegor, Adramelech, and Baalberith, and of all the nameless and formless ones, the mighty and innumerable hosts of Hell, by whose assistance may we be strengthened in mind, body and will …

- WHEEEE-EW! … FUCKETY-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCK … SORRY TO KEEP YOU GUYS, I’VE BEEN EATING SOULS? … THOSE FUCKING VEGANS, THEY BIND ME UP SOMETHING AWFUL … THE DUMP I JUST TOOK? THE SIZE OF FUCKING KANSAS, THAT THING … I HAD TO LIGHT A VOLCANO TO GET THE SMELL OUT …

Ave, Satanas.

His is the House of Pain.

- JUST A LITTLE INDIGESTION … ANYONE BRING MYLANTA?

His is the Place called Hell.

- HELL, SCHMELL, I’M REDECORATING IS ALL. I WAS THINKING IKEA? … WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS COUCH? … FUCKING HIDEOUS, AIN’T IT? FOR THE MICHAEL JACKSON ROOM, IT’LL MATCH HIS FACE. YOU WANT, WE COULD GO OUT TO THE BALCONY FOR THE MEET, BUT IT’S FUCKING HOT OUT THERE, YEAH? FLAMES AND SHIT, RED HOT POKERS, PITCHFORKS, LAKES OF LAVA … NEXT TIME, LEAVE THE ROBES AND HOODS, T-SHIRTS AND SHORTS’LL DO JUST FINE …

Open the portals of darkness, O Great Tongue of Pain, Appear among men and be driven back no longer. Come forth and creep into the great councils of those within and without, and stop the way of those who would detain us …

- I’M HERE ALREADY, I’M HERE. GET TO THE FUCKING POINT … OY VEY.

Ave, Satanas.

- YOU’RE WELCOME. THERE’S BEER IN THE TUB.

I am the tempter of life that lurks in every breast and belly; a vibrant, torpid cavern, nectar laden, with sweetest pleasures beckoning. I am a thrusting rod with head of iron, drawing to me myriad nymphs, tumescent in their craving! I am rampant carnal joy, an agent borne of ecstasy’s mad flailing! Through jagged ice, my father leers with cavernous eyes, below the sphere of earth that is my mother, moist and fertile whore of barbarous delights! My body is a temple, wherein all demons dwell. A pantheon of flesh am I.

- UH-HUH … YOU’RE A LIVELY LITTLE FELLA, AIN’T YA?

Sustain us, Dark Lord.

- THERE’S SOME CRACKERS AND DIP ON THE COFFEE TABLE. YOU WANT I SHOULD PUT SOME OLIVES OUT? I HAVE PASTRAMI, SHAVED HAM, I COULD WARM UP SOME PASTIZZI, A FEW SPRING ROLLS … I HAVE CHIPS. YOU LIKE CHIPS? PLAIN, OR SALT AND VINEGAR? … SMOKED OYSTER? … TAKE A NAPKIN … MIND THE RUG …

Arise, invoke the blasphemous Name The Lord of Sodom, The God of Cain, Joy to the Flesh forever!

- KNOCK YOURSELVES OUT … DID YOU BRING ME SOME VIRGINS?

In the name of Satan, Lucifer, Belial, Leviathan, and all the demons, named and nameless, walkers in the velvet darkness, harken to us, O dim and shadowy things, wraith-like, twisted, half-seen creatures, glimpsed beyond the foggy veil of time and spaceless night. Draw near, attend us on this night of fledgling sovereignty. Welcome these new and worthy sisters, creatures of ecstatic, magic light. Join us in our welcome. Welcome to you, children of joy, sweet passion’s daughters, products of the dark and musk filled night, ecstasy’s delight. Welcome to you, sorceresses, most natural and true magicians. Your tiny hands have strength to pull the crumbling vaults of spurious heavens down, and from their shards erect a monument to your own sweet indulgences.

- THE FUCK ARE THESE?

From left to right, Great Lord Of Darkness … Sharman Stone, Julie Bishop and Bronwyn Bishop (no relation) …

- I ASK FOR FUCKING VIRGINS, YOU BRING ME THESE THREE SPUD-FACED HAGS? … YOU COULDN’T HAVE THROWN IN KATE ELLIS?

She’s not a virgin, oh mighty King of the Sodomites.

- NEITHER’S BRONWYN BISHOP! SHE’S GOT A KID, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

It was an immaculate conception, Great Tongue of Pain.

- YES … YES, OF COURSE. I CAN BUY THAT … OKAY, WHADDYA WANT I SHOULD DO WITH THESE? … FUCK ME DEAD, GET A LOAD OF THE FACE ON THIS ONE … THE HELLHOUNDS’LL SHIT ‘EMSELVES SILLY THEY GET A LOOK …

We ask that you take them with you unto Hell and of them, minions make, Our Father, Son and Holy Demon of Darkness.

- YOU THINK I HAVE NO STANDARDS? YOU THINK I HAVE NO FUCKING STANDARDS?! … WHERE THE FUCK AM I, ANYWAY? …

Canberra, O Mighty Defiler of All Flesh.

- WHAT A FUCKING SHITHOLE.

It’s quite nice in Spring. They have a War Memorial.

- WELL, LA-DI-FUCKING-DA. WHOOP-DI-FUCKING-DO.

An Art Gallery?

- OH, FUCK OFF … LISTEN … NEXT TIME YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING ME OFF THE COUCH ON A NICE HOT NIGHT IN FRONT OF THE FIRE, YOU WANNA BE MAKING IT WORTH MY FUCKING WHILE, OKAY? … I’VE BEEN VERY FUCKING BUSY LATELY REARRANGING LINDSAY LOHAN’S FACE … AND YOU KNOW THE NEW MICHAEL JACKSON SONG? I DID THAT … IT’S SHIT, AND IT’LL SELL A SQUILLION, I’M VERY PROUD OF IT … BUT DON’T BE BRINGING ME UP TO THIS ICY FUCKHOLE TO PARADE A TRIO OF SAGGY-ARSE OLD BINTS ABOUT AND EXPECT ME TO GET EXCITED. I’D SOONER POKE MY OWN FUCKING EYES OUT AND ASK JESUS FOR A BREAK, OKAY?

Yes, Dark King of Anal Evil.

- LOOK … I’M SORRY, I’VE BEEN A BIT SNIPPY LATELY, NEED A VACATION, Y’KNOW? … I’VE MANAGED TO GET A TEMP IN, SO I’LL BE TAKING A FEW DAYS BREAK …

Anyone we know?

- PHILLIP RUDDOCK.

Isn’t he dead?

- WHO CAN TELL?

A mighty choice, Master of All Perversion.

- TA.

Rege Satanas.

Ave, Satanas.

- SEE YOU GUYS WHEN I GET BACK … AND REMEMBER. NEXT TIME? KATE ELLIS, OKAY?

Hail, Satan.

TRY THIS QUICK QUIZ

Is there anyone, anyone out there at all, anyone other than Paul Barry and Today Tonight and Chris Masters who could give a flying fuck at the moon about anything James Packer has ever done in his life (which is nothing), or ever said (which is less than nothing)? And if so, why?

Anyone?

Anyone at all? …

…

…

…

Yoo-hoo!?!

…

Hello?

…

…

Nup. Didn’t think so.

BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! READ ALL ABOUT IT! GET YOUR BULLSHIT HERE!

RE-POSTED FROM JUNE 2009, BUT NOW WITH EXTRA LINKS ADDED FOR MAXIMUM FOREHEAD SLAPPING PLEASURE!!!! …

A new study has found that the number of Australians currently engaged in conducting new studies and compiling statistics about meaningless aspects of human behaviour, both personally and professionally, has ballooned by approximately 36.79% over the last 15.61 years and may be a leading cause of productivity losses over that time and a contributing factor to the current economic downturn.

Research conducted by The Institute of Studies into Studies About Bullshit has revealed that compiling studies about things whose conclusions would be blindingly obvious to the thickest halfwit on the planet consumes almost 17.825 million days per year as a nation and the resources of close to 47.3% of the current population.

Ross Sharp, the Director of the Institute, announced today that “if one were to take all the metal used in these studies from paper clips, staples, foldback clips, ring binders and those sliding metal paper binders that slice half your finger off when you try to remove them from a document, you could probably build a bridge between Sydney and Perth with it.”

He added, “We have individuals engaged in compiling studies about the economic cost to the nation of people taking two toilet breaks a day during work hours and statistics about the impact on the national state of mental health caused by recalcitrant shopping trolleys with dodgy wheel bearings, and we feel this type of thing has now reached epidemical proportions and something must be done, and done urgently, to address it.”

Mr. Sharp also stated that, “if we were to take all these people conducting studies into things nobody could give a flying fuck about and place them into some sort of productive work like the construction of public housing, we could probably solve homelessness in 37 seconds, build a couple of hundred new hospitals, some spaceships, cure cancer, and bring dinosaurs back from the dead.”

“Unfortunately,” Mr. Sharp added, “a vast number of Australians, rather than engage in some substantial form of work, would rather sit on their ever-expanding backsides, chew the rubbers off their pencils, and make studies about the impact on global warming from farting parrots who’ve taken one too many nips of over-ripe fruit and have then gone muscling about a public square making a racket at 5.00am in the morning squawking for a kebab shop”.

In response, a spokesperson for The Institute of Studies Into the Effects of Fermenting Fruits on Native Wildlife rejected Mr. Sharp’s comments as little more than the rantings of an angry and disaffected middle-aged man, and insisted that their research was vital in these times of global crisis.

Mr. Sharp replied that he couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of these stupid studies anymore and that he was going up the pub for a few beers, a smoke, a triple pastrami with double cheese on white bread and a side order of chips with gravy.